Yeah, your mom is evil. Alright, she obviously thought you weren’t taking good enough care of it, and somehow stuck it in some envelope to mail it to some Flying Flip Fish Farm in Wisconsin. Or maybe he died and she just didn’t want to explain death. Either way, after that day you no longer trusted your mom and never got along with her again. Now she lives 2,000 miles away and you haven’t once spoken to her over the goldfish incident.

This could’ve all been prevented had you detected her gross fabrication and confronted her. Luckily, Blifaloo, a website typically dedicated to busting boredom, is here to help this situation never happen again.

They’ve come up with a foolish fool-proof guide to detect lies, including looking at body gestures and the way the person is smiling. There’s also a guide to eye movement and lying.

Now that you’re a certified super-sleuth, you’ll never be caught in someone else’s lie ever, ever again. Right?

I can’t grab life, I can’t have hope. I wonder why everyone sees such a need to dwell on what they don’t have, instead of what they do. Even I wish I could be above this, but I fall guilty to it, too. People grow so tired of something they’ve had. It’s used up, it’s worn, it’s no longer fun. It may even be a little sticky. So instead we see the new thing and want it, when we know very well it’ll suffer the same fate.

I can’t have it. And why can’t we be fine with that? We’re all little kids on the inside. We go home to a toybox full of toys after throwing a tantrum in Wal-Mart over Tickle Me Elmo. It ends up being fun for everyone around to watch, but damn it sucks to be the kid in that situation, doesn’t it? But as soon as we get our cookie, we forget all about whatever it was that we wanted.

I can’t believe it’s not butter. Why am I writing this? Perhaps it has some hidden meaning. Only kinda. Maybe I felt like writing something really emo. Nah. Possibly I thought people would find it interesting, but not really. I’m simply writing what’s coming to my head as I’m sitting directly outside a Starbucks. It’s -5° out and I can smell the sweet aroma of Grande Java Mocha Whatever. But why pay $7 for it when I can easily fix myself some at home? After all, what I had at home seemed just fine last week.

Maybe I can’t yet grasp the concept of mind over mouth.

Ferguson

So now I’ve begun to put together criteria. The person must be living. Dead people, to put it simply, are not awesome, nor hygienic. The person must have talent and ability. This immediately rules out Joe Francis, Bill O’Rielly, and all people who identify themselves as “rappers.” Lastly, the person must be from this planet. This excludes Obatma.

Immediately my mind is drawn to one person: Craig Ferguson. This man is always eager to point out that it is a great day in America, and damn it, it always is. He’s on TV almost every night with great material and has the charm of a prince. This lone individual could easily be the most awesome person in the world. But then I realized, however, that he does not qualify. You see, Craig Ferguson is a Scotchman, and Scottish Parliament repeatedly opposed James I’s requests for taxation to pay an English ransom in the 1420s, and for this I will never forgive them. Therefore, the most awesome person may not be from Scotland.

Maddow

So I simply take a 90-degree turn to MSNBC for my next two candidates: a one-two punch of Keith Olbermann and Rachel Maddow. These two, like Ferguson, come on every night to give their views of the world. Most of the time, these views side very much with the Democratic Party, and damn it if that doesn’t make them awesome enough. However, the world’s most awesome worldly person in the world should be fair and look at things from both angles. Don’t get me wrong, Maddow easily takes the title of world’s most awesome lesbian.

As I flip through the channels on my fancy color television set, I decide on a new rule: you are not considered ‘alive’ if people don’t even know whether you are or not. So now Abe Vigoda, Larry King, and my 3rd grade music teacher are all gone from the mix. Who else is left? Obatma’s less-famous half-brother Barack Obama and Mrs. Shank, my high school economics teacher, are both too obvious. Perhaps my fake award could go to the lonely man who filmed the infamous video ‘2 Girls, 1 Cup.’

But, no, there needs to be a certain standard of dignity to be upheld by the award. To give this to some sort of commoner would be a disgrace and insult to my post-reading audience, all three of them. Maybe the most awesome person in the world is the guy who invented the cute little Smart Car… and then tried to claim he was straight.

Goldberg

No. I’ve figured it out. After careful deliberation and a shot of legal beverage, I’ve concluded that the single most awesome person in this very world is simply Barry Goldberg. Barry. Effing. Goldberg. Who is he? He is the Santa who stood outside of a Wal-Mart in Lisbon, CT and handed out $10 gift cards to every person he saw. Of course, he was immediately shooed away by Wal-Mart’s security guards/greeters. But, damn it, a $1300 good deed shouldn’t go unnoticed. This 41-year-old man simply did something nice. Maybe that’s all it takes. Maybe he really is the most awesome person in the world?

Nah, it’s probably me after all. I’m just modest.

WWN has always been America’s finest news source, even after it stopped releasing printed copies in 2007. I personally read the website every day, and I’m a devout follower of columnist Ed Anger. His views typically reflect those of mine, including pushing for the movement of giving guns to school teachers, and paving the rainforest.

But, my dear WWN, I’m posting this asking you to come back! Your website is simply a sparsely-updated Wordpress blog posting non-sensical stories (much like this one,) and you no longer have the former glory that you once had in your hayday. For Christ’s sake, your pictures are now in color! How could you let this happen?

You follow Bat Boy around like he’s Bruce Willis, when you should instead be focusing your attention the dinosaur people that are being used as hat-racks at the Cleveland airport, or the skunk-man that was unjustly run over by a truck in Utah. You once provided news that even the Onion had too much journalistic integrity to publish. But, now, you seem to be run by a couple of twenty-two year old guys in a basement who like playing with Photoshop.

I’ll miss ye, and God bless Bat Boy.

I suddenly have an urge to watch Futurama.

“Ginny McCallum, 43, who has been confined to a wheelchair for much of her adult life, came to hear presidential candidate Barack Obama speak at the University of Texas. Afterward she found herself in a wheelchair access breezeway as Obama and his entourage exited the arena. The candidate spotted her, came over, grabbed her hand and pulled her up. She found herself standing for the first time in eleven years.”

What’s the result? Hundreds of people believing that Obama has miraculous powers. Chain e-mails spread like wildfire through inboxes of mild-aged web users everywhere. Believe it or not, there are likely people in this great world that actually believe that drinking Obama’s pee will allow one to live forever.

Unfortunately, extremism will swing from far left to far right, and you’ll get swamped by both sides. Now we get to share the internet with both kinds of lunatics.

Ah, the internet. Is there anything it can’t do?

A loose translation of the website says this: “All products were purchased, the packaging photographed and the contents prepared and photographed too. All products were then eaten up,” and “The purpose of the project is not to discredit any brands or products but to critically compare the packaging advertising with the inside contents.”