Ferguson

So now I’ve begun to put together criteria. The person must be living. Dead people, to put it simply, are not awesome, nor hygienic. The person must have talent and ability. This immediately rules out Joe Francis, Bill O’Rielly, and all people who identify themselves as “rappers.” Lastly, the person must be from this planet. This excludes Obatma.

Immediately my mind is drawn to one person: Craig Ferguson. This man is always eager to point out that it is a great day in America, and damn it, it always is. He’s on TV almost every night with great material and has the charm of a prince. This lone individual could easily be the most awesome person in the world. But then I realized, however, that he does not qualify. You see, Craig Ferguson is a Scotchman, and Scottish Parliament repeatedly opposed James I’s requests for taxation to pay an English ransom in the 1420s, and for this I will never forgive them. Therefore, the most awesome person may not be from Scotland.

Maddow

So I simply take a 90-degree turn to MSNBC for my next two candidates: a one-two punch of Keith Olbermann and Rachel Maddow. These two, like Ferguson, come on every night to give their views of the world. Most of the time, these views side very much with the Democratic Party, and damn it if that doesn’t make them awesome enough. However, the world’s most awesome worldly person in the world should be fair and look at things from both angles. Don’t get me wrong, Maddow easily takes the title of world’s most awesome lesbian.

As I flip through the channels on my fancy color television set, I decide on a new rule: you are not considered ‘alive’ if people don’t even know whether you are or not. So now Abe Vigoda, Larry King, and my 3rd grade music teacher are all gone from the mix. Who else is left? Obatma’s less-famous half-brother Barack Obama and Mrs. Shank, my high school economics teacher, are both too obvious. Perhaps my fake award could go to the lonely man who filmed the infamous video ‘2 Girls, 1 Cup.’

But, no, there needs to be a certain standard of dignity to be upheld by the award. To give this to some sort of commoner would be a disgrace and insult to my post-reading audience, all three of them. Maybe the most awesome person in the world is the guy who invented the cute little Smart Car… and then tried to claim he was straight.

Goldberg

No. I’ve figured it out. After careful deliberation and a shot of legal beverage, I’ve concluded that the single most awesome person in this very world is simply Barry Goldberg. Barry. Effing. Goldberg. Who is he? He is the Santa who stood outside of a Wal-Mart in Lisbon, CT and handed out $10 gift cards to every person he saw. Of course, he was immediately shooed away by Wal-Mart’s security guards/greeters. But, damn it, a $1300 good deed shouldn’t go unnoticed. This 41-year-old man simply did something nice. Maybe that’s all it takes. Maybe he really is the most awesome person in the world?

Nah, it’s probably me after all. I’m just modest.

“Ginny McCallum, 43, who has been confined to a wheelchair for much of her adult life, came to hear presidential candidate Barack Obama speak at the University of Texas. Afterward she found herself in a wheelchair access breezeway as Obama and his entourage exited the arena. The candidate spotted her, came over, grabbed her hand and pulled her up. She found herself standing for the first time in eleven years.”

What’s the result? Hundreds of people believing that Obama has miraculous powers. Chain e-mails spread like wildfire through inboxes of mild-aged web users everywhere. Believe it or not, there are likely people in this great world that actually believe that drinking Obama’s pee will allow one to live forever.

Unfortunately, extremism will swing from far left to far right, and you’ll get swamped by both sides. Now we get to share the internet with both kinds of lunatics.

Ah, the internet. Is there anything it can’t do?